Yo dont text me then not text me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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