I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
