i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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