Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
