Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
