I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
