Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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