I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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