I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
