dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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