the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
