god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
