I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
