Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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