Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
