I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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