You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
