the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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