I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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