I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
