last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
