I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize