I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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