when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
