the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
