no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
