1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
