I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
