My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
