I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
