i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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