if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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