hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
