the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
