No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
