I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
