if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
