Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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