There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
