I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
