I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
