Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
