ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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