I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize
