I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
