I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
