I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
