feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
