My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize