May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
