He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
