i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
