so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
