He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
