I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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