The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
