You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
