SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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