So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
