he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
