i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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