Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
