He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
