Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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