Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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